Empty House: A Miller-Boyett-inspired DIE RPG scenario
Regaining your time in the spotlight at any cost? You got it, dude.
Last week I wrote about Kieron Gillen and Stephanie Hans’ super personal, super meta DIE RPG, a game in which your character is driven by the pain of their creative and personal failures, and I mentioned how much trouble I was having thinking of a DIE scenario that didn’t come straight out of my own life. As it happens, though, I did manage to find inspiration for one scenario based on something I know probably too much about — sitcoms.
At the bottom of this post, you’ll find my text for a Miller-Boyett-esque sitcom reunion, DIE-style. Here’s the overview:
You were the stars of the hottest sitcom of the George Bush era – consistently #1 in your time slot, annual appearances on the cover of TV Guide, weekly appointments in the homes of most blue-blooded American families. You were a surefire pick for the swath of streaming revivals of the 2010s, right? But those emails never came. Did you cast yourself so broadly that you diluted any opportunity to actually make special memories with your audiences? Nah… those Hollywood clowns just don’t know what they’re talking about. At least you’re still a hit on the con circuit – well, those of you who still acknowledge the show, anyway.
One night after hours at FlashbackCon, the Middle Child invites everyone to their hotel suite to play a special game. It’ll be just like old times on the set, they say, but even better.
There was something about the creative longing and sadness in all those sitcom reboots of the past decade that just seems like prime DIE material to me. What must it feel like to step back into your old set (or a smooth, modern recreation of it) 30 or 40 years on, returning to a character you probably would have rather forgotten, because some algorithm decided you’d score enough viewers to make it Worth It — or because someone else in your cast was pulling for it? That seems like a fun, interesting space to play in, and fortunately for me, it is not biographical, so I can run a game based on it without too much guilt or weirdness!
I want to quickly note my two key inspirations for this scenario:
Attend the Tale of Danny Tanner, a musical written and produced by my friend (and Mortified Chicago coproducer) Katie Johnston-Smith, which posits that once a year, Danny Tanner must kill a drunk driver to avenge the untimely death of his wife. Though it is of course a comedy, it’s also a sharp look at the darkness hidden behind the premise of many sitcoms, and I especially found inspiration for making the Middle Child the villain of my scenario in my friend Mary Beth Smith’s performance of Stephanie.1
The Pod Meets World podcast. Okay, I know what you’re thinking, but this show is so much better than you’d expect, and that comes down to the sharpness and earnest introspection of its hosts, Danielle Fishel, Rider Strong, and Will Friedle, who are genuinely invested in unpacking what it means to have been a child star on a celebrated show with fraught history. On last week’s episode, Danielle mentions that one of her core fears of the podcast is that, in giving their guests space to share their reflections of working on the show, other people might feel slighted or misrepresented, because time, youth, and personality can warp everyone’s perceptions into a story that most suits them. That’s good shit, Danielle!!
Anyway, all that said, here’s the text of my “Empty House” scenario for DIE. Enjoy, and if you play it, let me know what you think!
(n.b. 1: I usually try to do some kind of nice layout when I share free adventures on here, but DIE’s layout is too good to try to mimic, so you’re just getting text. We love text!!)
(n.b. 2: Use the DIE fastgen character sheets located on this page for PC stats, and pull monster stats from the absolutely excellent bestiary in the DIE core rulebook.)
~~The Plugs Section~~
I want to shout out my friend and one of the funniest guys I know, Tim Barnes, who has a great Substack called “Letters from African America.” Tim is a comedy writer who’s worked on late night television, and every day he sends five killer jokes to your email. It’s a much better way to get your daily allotment of bits than being on “X.”
The Kickstarter pre-launch page for my next big TTRPG publishing adventure, Rock & Roll Greatest Hits, is live now. It would really help me with the algorithms if you “followed” it (even if you don’t want to back the thing! This is a no-commitment follow!)
Remember how up there I mentioned Mortified Chicago, the live lit/comedy show I coproduce (in association with WBEZ!)? It has its next show at the historic Studebaker Theater on Saturday, September 23, and it’s gonna be cool. Tickets are available now.
I didn’t want to pigeonhole “Empty House” into being just a Full House riff, but I will say that I’ve also been kicking around a scenario for some other game where the Tanner house itself comes alive and forces the family to replay its traumas generation after generation, which is absolutely the plot of Fuller House — that show’s premise is soooo bleak.